jongin hates the way chanyeol announces on national broadcast that he is “kai’s number one fan.”

“hyung, stop,” jongin whines back in the dressing room while the coordinators fix his outfit, touch up his makeup. “it’s embarrassing.”

“what’s so embarrassing about it?” chanyeol asks, eyes round with surprise. “i’m the one fangirling over you. you should be flattered!” chanyeol exclaims with an overly exuberant smile.

and jongin can sense the underlying hurt chanyeol is trying to mask with his excessively animated gestures. so not only is jongin embarrassed by the whole situation, now also he feels guilty.

“hyung, please,” jongin pleads, and chanyeol sighs.

“okay, okay. i’ll try to take it down a notch.”

“thanks hyung,” jongin breathes a sigh of relief.

“i really am your fan though.”

jongin also hates the way chanyeol is so eager to please, jumping at every opportunity to buy him things, do things for jongin that he could otherwise do for himself.

“hyung it’s okay. i can do this myself,” jongin says as he and chanyeol sit on the floor of his, chanyeol’s, and kyungsoo’s shared room, surrounded by mountains of jongin’s unfolded clothes. chanyeol pulls away more than two thirds of the enormous pile as jongin frowns. “you just came back from jungle filming. you’ve got to be tired.”

“no, no!” chanyeol replies, huge grin stretched from ear to ear. “ i want to help. i’m not tired at all!”

jongin’s frown deepens a little more at the enthusiastic boy, but doesn’t say anything else.

“if you’re sure.”

“positive!” chanyeol crows, making quick work of jongin’s boxers.

it also makes jongin feel kind of uncomfortable when chanyeol gets all touchy-feely on stage, wandering fingers lingering unnecessarily long in places that wouldn’t normally be appropriate for public behavior.

not that jongin doesn’t enjoy their hugs and little interactions here and there. but sometimes, chanyeol just comes at him so suddenly, jongin is left winded and breathless, unsure of how to react.

“hyung,” jongin says with a serious face as they lounge around the waiting room for their turn on the stage. “could you please not do the… groping thing… when we’re not actually performing it? you already know exactly how that part goes, so i don’t think it’s necessary to practice that anymore.”

chanyeol pouts.

jongin puts on his most stern face.

and chanyeol relents, mumbling that he won’t do it again.

there are just so many things jongin doesn’t like about chanyeol, like the way their personalities just clash. jongin enjoying the peace and quiet of things, relishing in the silence. chanyeol wanting to break that calm with his constant chatter, his incessant need for noise.

all the little things that add up, and up.

and one day, chanyeol is gone.

jongin doesn’t even remember the specifics of what manager hyung had told them as they sat around in a half circle in their living room, heavy, somber silence hanging thick in the air.

jongin doesn’t even really remember the general outline of what went on the past few weeks, let alone the details.

all he knows is that he’s dressed in an all-black attire, surrounded by waves of pain and grief crashing in from all sides, and watching chanyeol blow away with the wind in millions of tiny particles of ashes and dust.

they are all given a few weeks to mourn their loss. then they are expected to jump back in to work like nothing ever happened.

some members are better able to mask their heartache than others, smiling for the cameras and chattering away, exchanging playful banter with the hosts and mcs.

but jongin is one of others who stands hidden in the back, unable to regulate the expression on his face, one of misery and regret.

because in the wake of chanyeol’s gaping absence, jongin feels the raw edges of emptiness where chanyeol had, albeit forcefully, inserted himself into jongin’s life.

with chanyeol gone, so goes more than half of jongin’s own existence.

and jongin finds himself wishing he hadn’t taken chanyeol for granted, treated him a little better, when he’d still been around.