trigger warning: topic matter - eating disorder

“this isn’t healthy,” amber repeats for the thousandth time, rubbing soojung on the small of her back as she leans over the toilet bowl, cheek pressed against the cool porcelain surface.

soojung glares up at amber through bloodshot eyes, little drops of tears clinging to her lashes. ”no shit,” she croaks, voice scratchy from her previous episode of emptying out her insides, flushing everything down the toilet, soul included.

“you don’t have to do this,” amber doesn’t know what’s the right thing to say. she never really does. she doesn’t have the slightest idea what to do to make things better, no inkling as to how to make things right again.

soojung sighs, shutting her eyes and pressing her forehead against the toilet seat. it’s gross, she knows. but she just doesn’t have the energy to lift a finger, let alone move her entire body the few feet it would take to get her to the hotel bed.

soojung doesn’t even remember when and how things spiraled so out of control, so quickly, so exponentially.

she just wanted to lose a few pounds, a little bit of that extra weight she knew she had to take off to compete with the hundreds of other skinnier, taller idol girls that seem to sprout out of the earth like weeds that she just can’t get rid of.

“come on,” amber’s voice breaks through soojung’s thoughts. she feels amber gently take hold under her arms and lifts her to her feet. soojung leans against amber’s solid, warm body, wanting to melt under amber’s skin and never resurface.

what it would be to trade places with amber, switch lives with this confident, carefree girl who refuses to take shit from anyone. to live even just one day without the stresses and worries of trying to live up to the body image that the fans expect of her.

but she cares too much about amber to even consider imagining her living this travesty of a life, even for a single day. soojung wouldn’t wish this nightmare even on her greatest enemy.

“rest,” amber tucks soojung under the thick blankets, a frown marring her features. soojung nods. and with a sigh, amber turns to leave.

“i’ll try,” soojung whispers into the air, amber freezing in her tracks and turning back around. “i’ll try to stop, really.”

amber smiles that big, bright grin that soojung loves so much, running a hand through soojung’s hair before turning back again.

"be right back,” amber calls from the door. “imma go get you some milk. you need to put something in there to settle all that acid in your stomach.”

how amber knows her so well.

soojung turns to her side and curls into a fetal position. she really means it when she says she’ll give it a shot. but she also meant it all those few dozen times she’d promised in the past as well.

it’s always a struggle, a vicious daily cycle that soojung can’t break out of. habit, routine. it’s become such an ingrained part of her life, soojung doesn’t even remember what her days had been like without it.

it’ll be hard. but she’s confident that as long as amber is there, cheering her on along the sidelines, soojung is perfectly capable of defeating this monster.